Challenges Ahead

If you follow my Facebook page, or you know me in real life, you've probably noticed I've mentioned a few things about this Spring Clean Up Challenge thing I'm doing. So....what exactly is it? It's a six week challenge at my CrossFit box. It's a competition, yes, but more so it's a personal challenge to push ourselves, to clean up our nutrition and to spend the next six weeks focusing on ourselves, putting US first (because we all need a little reminder to do that once in a while).

I signed up for the challenge, even though it involves strictly following a diet. If you've been reading this for a while, you know that I do not believe in food "rules". We eat a fairly clean diet and when I started CrossFit, I swore that I would not "drink the Paleo Kool Aid". I wasn't interested in it. I liked to say I was "partially paleo". *sigh* In all honesty, I said that because it gave me an out. It was an excuse to let some not so healthy things into my diet. I still believe that the occasional indulgence is fine, however, mine were becoming more and more occasional.

So, here were are....Spring Cleaning time, why not clean up my body during this annual ritual instead of just my house? We had the choice of using The Zone Diet or the Paleo Diet. Naturally, I picked one and my husband picked the other. I'll be following The Zone, but traveling as much as my husband does, it just wasn't practical for him track so steadfastly.

I'm finding The Zone to be pretty easy to follow. I'm still, for the most part, eating all of the same foods I always have, but it's keeping me more accountable to portion sizes. Yes, it turns out you can over eat on broccoli, chicken breast and almonds. Bummer..... I haven't been hungry at all. In fact, I was concerned at first that the calorie count on The Zone wouldn't be high enough, but I'm actually having a hard time getting all of the food IN. It's been eye opening, to say the least. Oh, have I mentioned I'm only on day four?!

This isn't something I intend to do for the rest of my life, but I do think checking in with oneself and making an attempt to get back to baseline, to completely clean up and start from scratch, is a good idea. The challenge lasts six weeks and I figure I can do anything for a month and a half, right?

Oh, and there's prizes involved!! We were weighed, measured and performed two workouts: 1 rep max Clean & Jerk and then an AMRAP involving push ups, row machine & sprints. The girl and guy with the most improvement overall (weight loss, inches lost, diet compliance, and time/weight improvement) will win the challenge. That = $$.

As I said above, though, it's less about the competition with the others and more about carving out time to take care of myself. I've been at this weight loss blog for almost two years now and I've bounced up and down a couple of times. This time, though I'm certain it's going to stick. I've found not just a gym, but a community. I've made friends. These friends know what I mean when I complain about some bitch named "Jackie", they understand how much it hurts when my hands get all jacked up because I didn't care for my calluses properly, they cheer me on without judgement when I'm the last one working out still and they're all done with their protein shakes, shoes changed and ready to walk out the door.

I didn't get the CrossFit thing at first. I was scared to death to walk into the gym, but now I can't imagine ever working out some where else. I'm down a total of 8 pounds since starting CrossFit two months ago and two of those pounds are just since starting The Zone. I realize it's not about the number on the scale. Yes, I caved on the no weigh in challenge, but I'm ok with that. It's for the right reasons, it's not about being OCD about it. Besides, when the number is going down, it's fun. But if the number stalls or hits a bump, it doesn't own me (anymore). I'm doing what I'm doing now because it's fun and I know it's good for me. Scale number be dammed!

This Spring Clean Up Challenge is exactly what I needed to kick start this latest adventure in my journey. Oh, and I have every intention of WINNING!

Victories

First off, I want to apologize for not blogging much lately. My husband has had a lot of time off work (intentionally) and we're just all enjoying some family time. If you are on Facebook, however, be sure to "like" my page and I'm still posting there regularly.

Ok, no on to the important stuff:

I am a huge Bengals Fan. They break my heart every single year and yet, I can't help but love them. I am NOT, however, a Terrell Owens fan, but I have to admit I was so very excited during his very brief stint wearing the orange and black. For one reason and one reason only: My maiden name is Owens. I have always always always wanted a Bengals jersey with OWENS on the back.

It just so happened that about a month after he signed with the Bengals I was in KY visiting family. My mom agreed to take me shopping to get the coveted jersey. We lucked out and found not a jersey, but a t-shirt with his name & number on it. I knew I'd get much more use out of a t-shirt than a jersey so she bought me one and my nephew one as well.

I had just started working out again although the t shirt wasn't exactly a women's cut, it hugged in all the "right" places. I love the tshirt, but over the last year or so I began to realize that it wasn't hugging in the "right" places any longer and it was totally hugging the "wrong" places. Grrr.....

Two months ago when we went to the Great Wolf Lodge for a family get away I packed that t-shirt, but refused to wear it once I saw myself in the mirror. I was devastated.

Since starting CrossFit I haven't really noticed much movement on the scale, but my husband has noticed my body has changed a bit. Little by little, I'm noticing changes, too. Today, I put on the t-shirt to work out in and low and behold.....it not only hugged the right places, it was LOOSE in those places. Score one for me!!!!

On another note, I was also wearing tight upper thigh shorts for my workout, one of my favorites and I had to keep hiking them up the entire time because they were sliding down.

I guess it's time to go shopping.......

The Douchebag

CrossFit is known for it's douchebagery almost as much as it's known for it's brutal, intense workout style. In fact, when I first started expressing an interest in CrossFit, I had a couple people mention to me how they'd love to belong to a box, but there are too many assholes there to make it enjoyable.

I've kept this in the back of my mind, but to be honest, I really hadn't encountered much of it at all. Until today.....

My local affiliate has a blog and that's where the WODs are posted daily and we're all encouraged to leave our results in the comments. Typically, an entire side conversation gets started and it's just another forum for this close knit community that I've found myself suddenly a member of.

I'm slowly getting to know the members of our box either through the classes I'm in or from chatting with people during the kids' WODS, but it's a slow process to really fit in at a place like this. Everyone has gone out of their way to make us feel welcome and a few women, in particular, have really taken me under their wing and always come to check on me after a workout or just ask how I'm doing that day.

Yesterday, on the blog, someone anonymously left a rather snarky comment directed to "the new members". It was along the lines of making sure you say hello back when someone goes out of their way to offer you a warm, sincere hello. The comment went on to say that if you can't, at the very least, acknowledge when someone says hello to you, then maybe you should find another gym.

My husband was severely offended. We have no idea if that comment was directed to us or not, as there have been several other new people in the last few weeks and honestly, it could have been directed to anyone.

I skipped yesterday's WOD with the promise to myself that no matter what it was, I would go workout this morning. Saturday mornings and PACKED and I've avoided them up until this point, but a promise to myself is a promise to myself.

In the words of one of the coaches, "Today's WOD was a motherfucker." And it was. Once I saw it, I immediately regretted skipping yesterday, but I had to go. I wasn't going to cherry pick my workouts because I was afraid. I walked into the box this morning with butterflies in my stomach and that comment ringing in my ears.....for the first time since joining this box I truly felt like I just didn't belong. Even before the workout started, I was in tears. I wanted nothing more than to just turn around and go home and hide in the corner, and to be honest, if my kids class wasn't immediately afterwards, I probably would have. I stayed for my kids.

Unbeknownst to me, my husband had left a reply to the comment while I was busting my ass and crying my eyes out during the WOD this morning. He explained that coming into a place like this is intimidating as hell and one of the saving graces was the immense sense of community and support that we've gotten since we've joined. He continued on to say that this comment made us "newbies" feel like this box is only for senior members and "real cross fitters" and that it was displaying exactly the OPPOSITE sense of community that we'd been led to believe we were joining.

Oh holy hell....can I just tell you how many comments have come out of the wood work? So many people jumping in to welcome us and tell this anonymous commenter to find THEMSELVES another gym and that comments like that were NOT representative of the group, we got personal emails from the owners and some other coaches, regular members reached out to us to let us know they were happy to see our entire family there and looking forward to getting to know us better.

I get it....the owner need to protect their customers and "save the sale". They don't want us to leave, from a business standpoint, but the sincerity was there. I've never felt so supported and encouraged. It warmed my heart to see so many people jump to our defense and tell a "regular" to EFF OFF (basically).

I have to say....I've been leary of the douchebagery reputation and I'm certain there are some boxes out there filled with them, but everyday I'm more and more convinced that we've found one of the good ones.....

Now, if I could only get my own douchebagery comments out of my OWN head (the ones that tell me I don't belong, that I have no business doing these types of workouts, that I can't keep up....) then I'll be in business. But you know what? That personal douchebag is getting quieter and quieter every day. I've got goals and I will not let a douchebag (imaginary or real) get in the way of me reaching them.

One Week

I didn't have an image for my blog post today and this one was floating around FB, so I decided to use it. I have no idea where it originated, so I can't give credit, but BLOODY HELL!! My friend and I decided we're going to try it. She wants to be the one on top and I am going for the spot on the bottom. Anyone want to volunteer to be the girl in the middle? OUCH.

Ok, where was I? Oh yes. We hadn't started yet. Sorry.

Yesterday marked one full week of CrossFit. Right now I'm only signed up to go 3x per week (yea, we've already discussed upgrading our membership to unlimited. What can I say? It's fun.) Yesterday also marked the day I planned to start weighing myself again. My workouts didn't stay exactly as planned during the last several weeks and I have to admit I cheated a bit. I weighed myself right before we started CrossFit because I wanted to know where I stood. It wasn't pretty.

I started CrossFit at 225(ish), I can't remember the exact number. After one week, I'm at 223.4. Not too shabby, eh? I will now resume my weekly weigh ins from this point forward (until the next wild hair up my you know what and I switch it up again!)

I've also started counting calories again. It's tough to get started, but once I reestablished the habit, it really is fairly simple. I use the Livestrong website & App. When I first started this blog, Livestrong gave me around 2000 calories (and I was consistently losing weight). I don't know what numbers I plugged in to get that amount, but when I came back and replugged in all of my numbers, it gave me around 1400 cals. I'm sorry, but that's simply not enough.

Amber, over at Go Kaleo, (how many times can I mention her on this blog? I know. But she really is that cool!) posted this calorie calculator on her Facebook page the other day and it's the most detailed, accurate one I've ever seen. Here's the thing: our bodies need fuel. Starving them doesn't work.

I entered in all of my data using the dials on the calculator. It gave me two numbers: the top number is what my body burns for basic metabolic function. This means that if I did nothing but lay in bed and stare at the ceiling. If I did nothing but exist, this is what my body burns. This is the number of calories my body needs to simply function. No one should ever, ever, ever eat below their top number. The bottom number is what my body burns once I add in my daily activities: how much I work out, the intensity of my workouts, how long I spend each day doing moderate chores, how long I spend standing (doing dishes, cooking, etc), even how long I spend sleeping (and the rest of the day, it is assumed, I am sitting. Existing.) So, to lose weight, I took the bottom number and subtracted about 500-1000 calories and that is where I am eating.

I figured out my CrossFit days and I figured out my non CrossFit days. Surprisingly they were all that different (my non XFit days are the days I spend cleaning house, doing bigger chores, etc....) so rather than get caught up in the minutiae of a few calories from day to day, I just averaged the two types of days and that's what I plugged into Livestrong.

I currently aim to eat about 2200 calories a day. On my off days, I don't usually make it. I went to bed last night with over 200 calories uneaten. I'm ok with that. I wasn't hungry.

So, this is where I am right now. I can already feel changes in my body. I can't wait until I can see them!

Facing Down the Fear

I have never considered myself a fearful person. I was always drawn to the highest and fastest roller coasters growing up. I was the typical invincible teenager that never gave a thought to the consequences of the stupid stunts I pulled (I got very lucky a few times....)

Even as I matured and began to recognize my mortality, I still wasn't consumed with much fear. A healthy dose, but nothing more. When I was six months pregnant with my first child my husband and I took a cruise around the Gulf of Mexico. It was my first cruise and I couldn't wait to sit by the pool and soak up the sunshine. As we walked around the deck, I was struck with a paralyzing fear of looking over the side of the railing. I was completely taken by surprise. I couldn't even get within two feet of the rail. I'd never experienced anything like this before. I was stumped.

We came home and I never gave that feeling much thought. I chalked it up to pregnancy hormones and just put it aside in the back of my mind. Fast forward about five or six years. We now have two children and we were heading to a camping trip on the other side of the Cascade Mountains. I grew up around mountains; I'd drive through them many times as a child. HA! The Appalachian Mountain Range is nothing compared to the Cascades. I knew that in my head, but I hadn't really considered what that truly meant.

As we were returning from our camping trip, coming over the crest of the mountain pass I had a complete, full blown, text book panic attack. We were flying down this mountain with nothing but a guard rail separating us from the tippy tops of 100 year old trees. Nothing, in my mind, to stop us from plunging from to our deaths should we hit a gravel patch, or blow a tire, or, or, or.....

I realized at that moment that I had somewhere along the way developed a severe fear of heights. Motherhood. I'm terrified of losing my babies. I'm terrified of orphaning my babies. It's easy to be fearless when there is no other person in this world dependent on you. It's easy to be fearless when the only person your stupid stunts can hurt is yourself.

For the most part I can keep my fear in check. I only start to hyper ventilate a little bit on the mountain passes now. I can appreciate the beauty as we're driving along. I can mostly keep my heart rate in check when I think back to looking over the side of the rails on the cruise ship. I've almost agreed to go back to the top of the Space Needle with my kids. I recognize that it's an unreasonable fear and I can mostly keep it under control.

Then, last week, a rope climb was part of the WOD at CrossFit. As we stood in the middle of the gym and watched the coach pull the ropes down and instruct us on the proper technique to climb them all of these fears came rushing back. I teared up. I cried. I stood in the gym and cried because I was expected to climb 15 ft up a rope.

In the past I would have just said "I'm sorry, I can't do this." Not anymore. If there is one thing I've learned about myself since starting CrossFit it's that I'm way more badass than I've ever given myself credit for. I've pushed myself further than I've ever known I could go.

I wiped my tears and walked right up to that rope and grabbed it with a white knuckled death grip. Everyone there knew I was the new girl and they'd all seen that I was terrified. I had the biggest cheering section. It was amazing. I am almost tearing up again, sitting here reflecting on that feeling.

I only made it about 4 feet up the rope or so, and I did the workout laying on the floor and pulling myself to a standing position using the rope ~ only because I wasn't strong enough yet to complete the full workout climbing the ropes.

I have made it my goal, my mission in life, to conquer the rope. You fear the things you can not control and this is one thing I can control. I can control my strength. I can control my health and I will climb that rope.

I have been planning to write a CrossFit review for days now, but first the germs got boy1 and now they seem to have gotten me. I never get sick. Never. And I'm pissed. I missed my first WOD and I'm grumpy about it.....

Neighborly Love

Seattle, like all big cities, has plenty of suburbs. Little neighborhoods scattered from the Puget Sound all of the way out the Cascade Mountain range, but the urban/suburban sprawl here has also created these other little communities like Ballard, Greenlake, the U District, and many others. They aren't quite urban, but they ain't the 'burbs either. They are limbo. My husband grew up in limbo.

I grew up in the suburbs. A small, quaint little town just across the river from Cincinnati. Everyone knew everyone else (and their business), the entire town showed their blue & white pride for our high school sports teams, it has a 4th of July parade and no one leaves. No one ever leaves. Growing up there we all complained about living in this perfect little bubble, but as we grew older we began to appreciate the bubble and the security of being able to raise our own families there. It's not just my small town, the entire Greater Cincinnati area is full of people that grew up in the Greater Cincinnati area.

You've all seen some of those "Sh!t People Say" videos that are going viral right now and there is one about Cincinnati. The one line that made me laugh so hard I almost pee'd myself was "Where'd you go to high school." That's right. I'm almost 40 years old and I can guarantee you if I were out with the girls at a bar in Covington and we started talking to a group of men the question "Where'd you go to high school" would inevitably come up.

Out here on the West Coast, one of the first things I noticed is that no one is from here. I'm a member of a moms group out here with 50+ members and I can count on one hand the number of my friends that actually grew up and went to high school in this area. In the small town where we reside now everyone is friendly, it's easy to make friends, but everyone pretty much keeps to themselves unless you run in the same circles. Our parents didn't grow up together. Our grandparents didn't attend PTA meetings together.

I'm not saying one community is better than the other. They are different. Both have their pros and cons. They are just....different. When we first got married, Jason and I tried living in Kentucky in the very same town where I was raised. We bought a house and our next door neighbors were the parents of a boy I went to high school with. A little further up the street lived the parents of a boy I've known since the fourth grade. Around the corner was my high school guidance counselor (and she remembered me).

On a warm evening the first week we moved in, we were sitting on the porch enjoying a glass of wine and watching the fire flies (or lightening bugs, as they were called when I grew up). Suddenly there were about 15 people on our porch introducing themselves, bringing us a bottle of wine, brining us a cake, asking us for our names/phone number/etc for the neighborhood directory. They were all pleasant, they were all nice. We chit chatted for a while and then we all retreated back to our own living rooms. Jason was freaked out. He said it wasn't normal, people don't just invite themselves onto your porch and start talking. I laughed him off and told him "Welcome to Ft. Thomas", but I never really understood until we moved out here.

We've been in this small town for nine years, this house specifically for over six years. I can say hi to my neighbors if we're both in our driveway at the same time. Our boys will play with their grandson when he's visiting, but I don't know their phone number. I'm not even sure I know their last name. It's just different. The funny thing is, I don't think the people in Ft. Thomas were any more friendly. I don't think they were nicer people. I think the neighbors in the two towns just have different protocols.

I grew up with the Ft. Thomas protocol, Jason grew up with the Seattle area protocol. I took the boys to the CrossFit gym yesterday to observe a CF Kids class. A WOD class had just ended and there were still some people hanging out and having coffee, there were the parents of the kids in the class that hadn't worked out, but were hanging out during class....the box* was full. The boys and I were standing in a corner just watching. I happened to catch one woman's eye and she walked over and introduced herself to me. She knelt down to get on my boys' level and spoke to them, asking about the class, their interests. A few minutes later another woman made her way over and said "Hi, I don't think I've seen you here before, my name is ........" After these two woman moved on to other conversations another woman came over. In all about four different people walked over and introduced themselves to me.

Everyone was friendly, everyone was nice and everyone seemed genuinely happy to be there. I've never been to a globo gym and seen people just hanging out having coffee after their workout. The positive energy in the place was unparalleled to anything I'd ever experienced.

I left there feeling inspired. I was grateful to the women that came and welcomed me. It's hard being the new kid and I was immediately reminded of that night on our front porch almost 10 years ago. Jason is going to freak. the. f*ck. out.

*I hate the term "box" and I feel like a total tool using it. Thankfully our local box refers to itself as a "gym"

To Be Continued.......

Anyone have one of these in their back yard? We're still waiting to harvest ours.

CrossFit is expensive. We knew this going on. My hubs makes a very comfortable living and we're basically frugal people. A CrossFit membership will not bankrupt our family, but it'll still hurt in the pocketbook. OUCH

Our local box has several membership options, but we really want our kids to be able to take advantage of the CrossFit Kids program and the box has only one option for an entire family ~ $350 for unlimited access for the entire family. That's per month. For reference, we're currently paying $115/month for our family YMCA membership. Yes, that's a 3x increase. GULP!

My husband is out of town about 15 days a month, he doesn't need an unlimited membership. The box owner is willing to work with us on price because of his schedule. He called last night and told us his offer for a 3x per week membership for Jason and me and kid's classes for the boys. It was more than we were expecting.

Our gut reaction was "No way!" We just couldn't justify that expense. Not when we already have a gym membership. We talked it over and decided, at the very least, Jason would get a membership. He hates the Y. I can't even remember the last time he was there. Maybe for our son's birthday party? The last time he worked out there? No clue. So.....keeping his Y membership is really just a waste of money. If we take him out of the Y equation, we save about $43/month. He could buy a 20 visit punch card at CrossFit and that would last him about 2 months. Overall, with this scenario our gym fees would increase just over $50/month.

We continued talking and while I don't hate the Y, it's simply not working for me. Jason asked me what my ultimate goals were ~ performance goals, appearance goals, physical goals....anything ~ I had to sit and think about it. I didn't want to just spout off "to lose weight" Honestly, I think that goal is a cop out. Think. Soul Search. Figure. It. Out. What are my goals? To decrease my BF% . I have one of those digital, step on it and it'll tell you everything you never wanted to know about yourself, kind of scales. I know as far as BF% they aren't very accurate, but for now it's all I've got and to be honest, I don't think it's really that far off......according to my scale my BF% is over 50%. That scares the hell out of me. I'm metabolically healthy, but I know my body can turn on me at any moment. Next goal: do a pull up, do a push up. Next: get stronger & leaner. Next: be able to buy clothes in a regular store.......

Before I knew it, I was a mess of tears and goals were just spilling out of me without any thought. Can I reach these goals without a CrossFit membership? Yes, of course. I'm just not sure I know how. I know how to do the basic lifting moves: dead lift, back squats, bench press, thrusters, etc.....It's the power moves that scare the hell out of me. Cleans, jerks, etc.....it's the intensity that I'm lacking, and it's the intensity that I will not include in my own workouts (not without instruction)

Option #2: Both of us join CrossFit individually and not have the boys participate. This seems the most unfair to me. We'd be taking away their YMCA classes and not offering them anything else. I refuse to let my kids become inactive because we aren't willing to pay the fees.

Option #3: We suck it up and just pay the fee and we're all happy. We can put our YMCA membership on hold for up to three months without having to repay the registration fee. So, there's an out if for some reason CrossFit just doesn't work.

Here's the thing: I really really really want Option #3, but I'm afraid to ask for it. My husband is amazing. AH~mAZing. He sacrifices so much to provide for our family. He gives me nearly everything I want. He rarely spends money on himself, but doesn't hesitate to surprise me with gifts of appreciation for any random occasion. I know if I tell him that I really really want this CrossFit membership he'll say Ok without hesitation. I don't want to let him down. This will be the third gym we've joined in two years and so far I weigh pretty much the same (and have the same body) as I did when we had no memberships. I can not justify asking him to spend this money on me and then continue on with my same pattern.

Do I think CrossFit will be different? Honestly, yes I do. But I also said that about both of the other gyms. The one time I was consistently using the gym and, coincidently, consistently losing weight was when I had a specific class I was going to three times a week. I showed up, I was told what to do, I went home. That's CrossFit. That's why I think this time it'll work. But I'm still hesitant.

To Be Continued...........

Oh......Holy......Hell!

In a word, my impression of CrossFit is "It RAWKS!" (ok, that's two words. Whatev.). In another word: "It SUCKS!" (two words again....yes, ladies and gentlemen, I DO homeschool my children, why do you ask?)

Let me back up a bit and I'll walk you through my entire, though quite limited, CrossFit experience. We started here, on Tuesday, with me having some anxiety over leaving the security of a traditional gym, getting over it and feeling good about it, only to come home and find my husband basically in the fetal position and trying to hold down his protein shake.

Lovely.

Ultimately, though he did decide that CrossFit was the way to go for him and as we talked about it throughout the evening, I was getting more and more excited for my Intro the next day. I was careful with my diet that evening, we went to bed early, I visualized myself rocking out the workout.....I did everything right. Apparently Boy 2 didn't get the memo. He was awake from 3:15 until 4:40. Our alarm was set for 6am. At about 5am, hubby and I made the decision to turn off the alarm and let the whole family get the sleep it needed ~ homeschool schedule be damned! Then Boy 2 wandered into our room around 6:30 and said "can I get up, now?" Fuuuuddggggeeee!!!

I let my husband sleep in, after all he was the one that had already DONE the workout ~ oh and he was leaving for a trip that night and probably wouldn't get to sleep in a bed for about 36 hours or so. I'm generous like that.

So, I got up and drank some coffee and decided on a breakfast burrito with pastured eggs, some refried beans, avocado, cheese, salsa & greek yogurt on a fresh made tortilla ~ except I wasn't hungry. The nervous tummy was already settling in. Ok, so it's only 6:45 ~ I don't need to eat yet. I have plenty of time. I had a green smoothie instead.

The hubs finally woke up, we got started on our lessons and I still wasn't hungry. Finally, I decided I *needed* to eat, so I made the burrito. Oh SHIT!!! I'd lost track of time and I had to leave in an HOUR!!! And I have this burrito sitting in my tummy. *FAIL* :/

It sat there like a leaden rock. I could feel it getting heavier and heavier. I should note, too, that when I'm nervous it wrecks havoc on my digestive system. I started to psych myself out. Playing mind games with myself. How am I going to get through this f*cking workout??? How am I going to make my body row 500m, do 40 BW squats, 30 sit ups, 20 push ups & 10 pull ups? What. The. Fuck have I gotten myself into????

So, the next hour was spent pacing around the house, willing my brain to just shut the hell up, curled in a ball crying (yes, I cried BEFORE the workout), and freaking my kids out.

It was fun.

Finally, Jason (the hubs) looked at me and said "Do you think maybe it has to do with the fact that you are just being pushed outside your comfort zone?" WTH?!? Of course that's the issue!! "Have you stopped to think that your comfort zone hasn't done anything for you in the last 37 years of your life?" Eff You. (No, I didn't say that to my husband ~ he was, after all, being the only voice of reason at the time).

I finally managed to stand up straight enough to wiggle myself into my workout clothes and I headed out the door. I got a strange sense of calm, I cranked the radio (apparently no one got the memo as there was nothing but commercials for my entire 7 minute drive to the "box" ~ assholes).

I sat in my van, took a couple of deep breaths and walked through the door. Immediately all of my anxiety was gone. Poof! It just disappeared. The owner and I talked for about 45 minutes. We discussed any previous injuries I've had, we discussed my fitness history, my expectations, my goals (do a push up on my toes & do a pull up. I really don't ask for much...). He set my mind at ease. It's his job, but I was so completely grateful at the time. I wanted to hug him and cry and pretend I was at my therapist's office, but I held it together.

Then he said it was time to get started on the "Baseline" workout. And then I wanted to puke. I told him that I can't do a push up and I can't do a pull up. He said "We'll get you squared away. I don't care if you cry, I don't care if you puke, I just ask that you don't stop." Oh great....see, the way I'd managed to talk myself into going out the door was telling myself "There is no rule that says I *have* to finish. If I want I can just say 'I'm done'" and NOW he's throwing this "just don't stop" crap in my face?!?!

He threw some bands over the bar ~ I've never worked with these bands before, they're a trip, you basically have your body in this huge rubber band and helps lift you up for your pull ups ~ and had me practice some pull ups. Ok, we got the right bands. They're still challenging, but I can do them. Phew.....bullet #1 dodged. I asked if I got to do push ups on a box (or the wall). He said, "Let's see what you can do first." He asked me to show him one on my knees first. So I did one, then two. Then three. He said "Oh, those are fine. You don't need a box." Oh hell, why did I show him that I really can do those?!?!

Okey, dokey, time to start!!!! Turned up the volume on the music and READY, SET, GOOOO!!!! And she's off: the row machine as fine, the body squats were good. I only had to take one or two small breaks to catch my breath. A few seconds each, max. Sit ups ~ these weren't crunches ~ these were feet together, in butterfly position, lay all of the way back and sit all of the way up. I struggled through the second half, but I got them done.

Time for push ups ~ oh hell. We'll just say, got through them. I did a few at a time and took a break. I cried. I said FUCK (a lot), I fell on my face (twice) and I got stuck and had to roll over and get back in position. But I did them. All 20 of them. They weren't pretty, but they were done.

I climbed up on that box and stuck my foot in the rubber band and it went BOING!!! I didn't have the leg strength to push the damn thing down!! Ok, let's try again, this time the band grabbed my leg and flung my whole body out to the side. I was getting pissed. At myself, at the band, at everyone who had ever told me I couldn't do it. I stepped in that band and put my entire body weight into it and it went down! Where it was supposed to!! The guy said "Do a few and take a break if you need to." Eff that! I pounded all 10 of them, boom, boom, boom.......I even surprised myself. I'm pretty sure he's going to take one of my bands away since they were that easy for me at the end of the workout :(

And then......it was over. Nine minutes and 52 seconds of hell. Done. I did it. I DID IT!!! I FINISHED!!! And it didn't take me all day!! I was only about 3o seconds behind my husband. Unlike Jason, I knew immediately that this was the gym for me! I can't wait to go back. I was scared, I was freaked out and I thought I wanted to die, but I pushed through. I channeled those emotions and I *used* them to help me. I didn't let them control me.

I understand that by CrossFit standards, that workout was NOTHING, but I can't wait to go back! Bring. It. On.

Drinking the Kool Aid

~*~ This post just seemed to write itself~I don't even know if it makes sense, but I'm going with it ~*~

A few days ago a friend from high school posted that he'd just returned from his first ever CrossFit workout, that he wanted to puke, and that it was the "MOST AWESOMEST THING EVER!"

My husband and I have discussed CrossFit a handful of times over the last year or so, but for some reason, this time it stuck. We decided to stop in and have a chat with one of the coaches. Turns out our local "box" expanded a few months ago and now they have a kids' room. SCORE!! They don't do much in there and it's definitely not as kid friendly as the YMCA, but its CROSSFIT! I've wanted to try this for-EVAH!

We stopped back in later that night to talk to the owner and discuss pricing. Holy Jebus, it's expensive! Especially if we sign the kids up for the CrossFit Kids program. Our monthly gym bill would more than DOUBLE. Eee-gads!

We went ahead and scheduled an intro for each of us (a one on one hour long orientation ~ complimentary, of course). THEN we found out that at the end for the Intro, you do what's called a baseline workout ~ 500m row, 40 air squats, 30 sit ups, 20 push ups, & 20 pull ups.

The hubs went in for his Intro today and I headed to the YMCA with the kids for their homeschool PE class. While at the Y I went into a complete panic. What if somedays I just want to do an easy cardio day? What about the indoor track that I so dearly love. I have to give up the Jacob's Ladder?!? I have to do HOW MANY push ups? I can't even DO a pull up!!

As I sat on the recumbent bike, all of these thoughts swirling through my head, I suddenly realized that I've had this state of the art gym at my disposal for the last seven months and I haven't taken advantage of it. AT ALL. It wasn't that I didn't want to, it's that for the most part, I don't know how.

I started thinking back to when I first started this blog and was actually seeing some success at my weight loss efforts. What was different? The number one difference is that I was going to classes at the gym. I wasn't being left to my own devices. I walked into the gym, someone told me what to do for an hour and I walked out.

Yes, I could take classes at the Y, but none of them interest me or, the few that do, aren't available when I'm able to get to the gym.

I got home from the Y today bubbling with all of these new epiphanies that I'd discovered and I found my husband curled up in a ball on our bed. His first thought after his first baseline workout? F^CK THAT! Those were his exact words. But after he caught his breath. After he puked. After he drank his protein shake and got his body back under control, he can't wait to go back.

One 9 minute & 30 second workout and he's hooked. Completely. He told me he's already decided that he's signing up. If I chose to stick with the Y, he's going to cancel his portion of the family membership and use that $$ for a single CrossFit membership. Really??? You were there an hour. You sweated for less than 10 minutes.......

My intro is tomorrow. I'm nervous and excited all at the same time. I want to really love it. I'm pretty sure I will. But I want to love it so much that it's not scary leaving the security of a traditional gym. Is that even possible? I don't know, but I could use some prayers around 12:45 PST tomorrow afternoon. Just sayin'.